Premium Rush: Bangkok

Recently, I sat down and watched Premium Rush (took me long enough, I know). I was actually kind of excited to see it. Being the fair weather cyclist that I am, it would appear to be my cup of tea. I hadn't really asked anyone about the movie or what they thought about it since it had come out. What I heard mostly is that it was pretty cheesy, and I figured it's a movie about NYC bike messengers, so it should be pretty hard to mess up. I mean, what is there to mess up really?

I was wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong.

Premium Rush is actually terrible. It's surprising to me that JGL's career didn't suffer from this. I bet it keeps him up at night though. The dialogue is shit. Acting is shit. The bike parts are halfway cool. The story is less entertaining than if I decided to walk my bike through the park.

And that GPS nonsense they did was just lame.
AND!
That different scenarios bullshit they kept doing? stop it.

As I was sitting watching this train wreck, it dawned on me that if they had come to me, Premium Rush would have been the dark, sleek thriller it was supposed to be.

Firstly, whoever did soundtrack for the original should be slapped around a bit...okay sorry, a lot. I'm not even going to mess around and try to find someone for this, my only option, hands down is Hans Zimmer. 

Now, I'm going to rework the cast.

WYLEE

You just didn't do it for me Joseph. You are Lincoln's son for fuck's sake! Don't try and act like a degenerate.

Dicaprio, now there's a guy who can make me think he's a scamp. Did you see Titantic?! On top of that, dude is an incredible actor who can generally convince me that any time that he is on film that it's real life. 

VANESSA

Dania you just didn't do it for me either. You weren't the sexy, strong female lead that I require for my silver screen magic. Just because you use a chain to whip the rear view off a taxi doesn't make you hard, and it doesn't make me hard either.

Noomi Rapace, you kind of scared me in that Girl with the Dragon Tattoo stuff, but in a dark, dirty sort of way. Oh and you were totally a banging hot gypsy in Sherlock. I need her unique foreign looks to add to the character, and you know you want to see a Leo/Noomi sex scene.

 BOBBY MONDAY

Michael Shannon, what was your inspiration for this part? Obviously Liotta had some influence, but what was the other part? If I had to guess I would say you studied a lot of 90s gangster movies and consulted "How to Try and Act Like Ray Liotta as a Shithead Cop in a Shit Film About Fixed Gear Bikes That Needs Some Sort of Dickhead Antagonist for Dummies."

If you want to get a guy to do a Ray Liotta part, the best thing to do is to get the man himself, if you don't you just end up looking like an asshole. I don't care how much of the budget I need to spend on coke and hookers Ray would play my Bobby Monday.

MANNY

Wole Parks plays opposite of JGL, and much to my disdain is a total jerk to him the whole time. The movie opens with Levitt saying messengers stick together and then immediately introduced is Manny, a girlfriend stealing, carbon frame riding, ticket stealing dick face.

Did you feel the energy between Leo and Djimon Hounsou in Blood Diamond? Hot fire. On top of that connection and this guy being an incredible actor, he's ripped as hell. Gotta have some more eye candy for the ladies, and have a dude who looks good, but not better than my lead who can still contribute to the awesomeness of my film.

RAJ and PHEOBE

Despite these two only having bit parts, they made me sick to stomach. Raj is a creepy, slimey fuckface pervert type and Phoebe is the dispatcher chick with attitude because her boss is a creepy, slimey fuckface pervert type. Now, casting apparently decided to take a nap when they were doing auditions for these parts because these two parts are incredibly important.

Morgan Freeman would be the lone dispatcher. Not only dispatching order tickets, but also wisdom and advice to his couriers. Guiding them, but not fully disclosing their futures.

BIKE COP

Christopher Place, I want to apologize on behalf of the crew of the original Premium Rush for making you look like such a helpless douche. I can't even find a screen cap of you from the movie to put on here. You do awesome stunts in awesome movies and they exploited your passion to sacrifice your body for the perfect shot.

Channing is the perfect meathead for this part. I've heard his acting was pretty good in Magic Mike and he actually made me laugh in 21 Jump Street. He looks upstanding enough to be a cop, but in Bangkok he's a rough and tumble mercenary working bike patrol in the streets for the Bangkok government.

NIMA

Jamie Chung you are beautiful. You too were exploited in the original. I really hope that accent was fake, if it was you should be ashamed. I almost kept you on the original cast.

But Freida Pinco totally gets your spot. This slumdog is beautiful and tender, and I believe she would be perfect to fill the part of the young, kidnapped girl being sold into sex trade.

Now with the players set, the stage must be set.

I'm keeping the same idea kind of, just stick with me for a minute.

In Thailand's dirtiest city, bicycle messengering is a dangerous game. Bangkok yields to no ones right of way and takes no prisoners. To be a courier there means to be the best, and to never open the package. When James, a messenger with a dark past, (Dicaprio) takes a last minute ticket for a premium rush, he gets more than he bargains for. Pursued by Emerson (Liotta), a filthy crime lord and a valiant government mercenary named Johnson (Tatum), James becomes intwined in the depraved, disgusting world of the sex trade. With help from his friends Rica (Rapace) and Baako (Hounsou) and guidance from dispatcher Frank (Freeman) will James be able to deliver and keep his life? 

Slice of fried gold.