breaking points.

So a few months back I though I was losing my mind.
I was at a very strange point in this year of 2013.

I spent a lot of time in bed. Self medicating as I saw fit, something that may not have been healthy, not so much for my physical body, but rather my mental health.

This summer was long and hot. The heat and my madness and situations I found myself in drove me to a point I had never been to before, bringing out something I had never seen in myself before.

Writing about it makes me uncomfortable.

Fast forward a few months later. Some more things have happened and I’m very confused by them and what they mean.

My best solution was to hide. To sit away in the dark of my room from the time I got off work to the time I had to be ready in the morning. Medicated and numb I spent the fleeting summer months in a haze and got lost in nothing for a while.

A few weeks back I wrote a post about checking back in. Things were still hazy then but are getting clearer now. I can look back now and wish that I hadn’t just shut out the world, but I’m glad I chose to. It showed me that if I come to a point in my life that drives me to behave and think the way I was, that I would much rather talk some shit out with friends than to let it drive me into life as a recluse.

I must say though, the recluse life is where it’s at. When you make cookies, all the cookies are yours. You get to pick which movie is next every time. I can lay around in my underpants (with the door closed of course) and eat Ritz crackers and be covered in a blizzard of cracker crumbs and salt, without judgment.  As much as I would love to tell you more about the lush life of the recluse, I’ll get back to the half-assed idea I was trying to get at earlier.

For me it was a learning experience. Looking back, it’s interesting to see how everything unfolded. How what I did or didn’t do, and how it affected how the last year has been playing out. Now is a very good opportunity to take a moment and see what I have learned.

I won’t go into that.

The thing that gets me is that everything is still just a learning process. I left school and thought that was it.  22 year old me was stoked on everything and totally got how the world worked. 24 year old me knows better! (I love everyone** and everything in my life. I am very grateful for what I have and whatever comes my way.)

I have said it before, I never really understood that people are people and they are doing the exact same thing I am. Thinking.

**and by everyone I mean there is a select group, there’s still a whole lot of dickheads out there. Don’t worry. If you’re reading this there’s at least half a chance I think you’re pretty neat. ; )