am i crazy.

Have you ever stared at yourself in the mirror?

Taking in your features.  Eyes, lips, hair, chin, cheeks, ears etc.

Have you ever gazed deeply into your own eyes and questioned yourself?

My mind is a fucked up place.

The things I say in there are things I would never say out loud.

The scenarios and ideas. The thoughts and processes.

You wouldn’t look at me the same if I told you the things I was thinking.

Some times I don’t even try to think them.

A word, image, sound will trigger a chain of events that leads to sick, crude, disgusting thoughts inside my mind.

Is this normal? It has to be… right?

Up until recently, I didn’t realize that other people really thought or had their own thoughts. The idea that the way I act or speak can and does affect people is a little mind blowing. I mean, I knew that people thought and acted independently but I guess I never really considered it much.

Have I ever said anything that upset you? Hurt you? Offended you?

I’m sorry.

Have I ever done anything that affected your day? Your week? Your year?

I’m almost not sorry, because it’s life. If I hadn’t done these things would you understand me like you do? 

Isn’t it the fucked up, terrible things that make us truly appreciate the good?

Are most people going along mindlessly? Like fucking droids. Told what to do.

Some must.

I don’t know if it’s my impending day of birth, or if it’s some other unknown force that is finally aiding in the dawning of such ideas within myself.

It’s confusing. Frustrating. Sickening.

I like it.

It helps me feel human.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my life, with work, with writing and volunteering that I go into auto pilot.

And more often than not I don’t notice.

That’s why I appreciate these times in my life.

Questions, realizations, sleepless nights, restless days.

A raw look at myself.

An evaluation of spirit.